My 100th post..

I love you. I do.

I guess I can sit in a fake world,
where the economy is good, the air is clean, and there's peace between countries.
And in this world, you would tell me you love me.

Only it's not fake. You said it.
And now I'm left wondering...

just wondering, my friend.

Sometimes holidays are a bust,
but good music always makes time stop*


..if you believe, they put a man on the moon,
man on the moon...*

I'd trade the presents
and the snow,
the icicles,
a christmas story marathon
and day off of work

to spend christmas with you.
i would.

We spend our lives chasing after things
and sometimes through all of that
we lose what was actually important.

and sometimes we realize when it's too late.

Love is such a risk in all aspects.
It leaves you wondering if it's really worth it.
Is it worth it?
To sometimes be left with pain, heartache.
Can you feel infinite?
Only for a temporary amount of time,
and still be satisfied..

It makes me wonder.
Maybe i should pull away,
because I feel like this will end
faster than it began.
But all i know is that when the phone rings and i see it's him...
It feels like my heart stops
and speeds up simultaneously.
And you know, anyone who has the power to do that to me from a
jail cell
deserves a chance to prove me wrong.

I always said...

we're like two trains tracks:
parallel.
never meeting,
ceasing to cross.

but we never were.
because despite that when we collided,
it really was like a car crash,

nothing is worse than staring at you through that glass,
and knowing that things won't ever be the same.

I write you..

a letter a day.

I feel like The Notebook.

but persistance wins in the end, right?

We live in a material world,

but I am not a material girl.

I feel so selfless.
All I've been doing all week is stuff for everyone else, and I don't know how I feel about this.

Can I be selfish for like one second?

I got the call last night.

Today is the day I get to see you.
I'm so.
anxious.
nervous.
upset.
and what makes it worse.
angry.
i'm mad at you.
you changed everything.
our lives aren't going to be the same after this.

but God, i miss you.

things i want to accomplish

just a list of some junk i'd like to do over break.

I have about 5.5 weeks.

I'd like to:

-go through everything in the attic. this means:
--box up everything i don't want
--clean everything out
--get rid of old junk

-clean my dorm room
--this has to be done by this week since that's only how long i can stay

-take care of finances
--straighten out issues with the bank
--figure out how much i owe my mom

-look for a job
--get a new job. mine sucks!

-clean out my car
--'nuff said

-christmas shopping
--ugh.. so stressful.

-work
--get some extra shifts

-go the gym/exercise
--at least 3 times a week (if not more!)

-read a few books
--i'd like to not be completely useless.

I don't know..

what scares me more.

The idea of talking to you through the glass or
the idea that maybe you don't even want me to visit.


i miss you more than i thought.

me.

I bite my nails daily and hardly paint them.
Chopsticks make Chinese food taste better.
I chew gum obsessively and blow bubbles at the most inappropriate times.
In restaurants I spin on the stools like it's a race.
Sonic Cream Slushes and hot Apple Cider are comforting.
I will choose a happy meal over Olive Garden any day.
Semi-colons are my favorite punctuation mark; yet I have no idea of the proper way to use them.
My priorities are always mixed up, but I'm usually happy with my choices.
I'm a hooker... on my college's rugby team, but I don't have disrespect for actual hookers.
I eat Spaghettios, cold, straight from the can.
I'm an English major; ask me anything about English, and I probably do not know.
Condoms are only useful as dorm room decor; they make great balloons!
Procrastination isn't an art, which is why I'm so good at it.
I drive an orange car; which the unique color has gotten me numerous parking tickets.I don't have a lot of passion for anything in particular, but God, I love life.
I'd like to believe I'm meant for so much more.

How can you make me so proud
and less than 24 hours later,
you disappoint the shit out of me?

Please don't let me down
like everyone else.