My 100th post..

I love you. I do.

I guess I can sit in a fake world,
where the economy is good, the air is clean, and there's peace between countries.
And in this world, you would tell me you love me.

Only it's not fake. You said it.
And now I'm left wondering...

just wondering, my friend.

Sometimes holidays are a bust,
but good music always makes time stop*


..if you believe, they put a man on the moon,
man on the moon...*

I'd trade the presents
and the snow,
the icicles,
a christmas story marathon
and day off of work

to spend christmas with you.
i would.

We spend our lives chasing after things
and sometimes through all of that
we lose what was actually important.

and sometimes we realize when it's too late.

Love is such a risk in all aspects.
It leaves you wondering if it's really worth it.
Is it worth it?
To sometimes be left with pain, heartache.
Can you feel infinite?
Only for a temporary amount of time,
and still be satisfied..

It makes me wonder.
Maybe i should pull away,
because I feel like this will end
faster than it began.
But all i know is that when the phone rings and i see it's him...
It feels like my heart stops
and speeds up simultaneously.
And you know, anyone who has the power to do that to me from a
jail cell
deserves a chance to prove me wrong.

I always said...

we're like two trains tracks:
parallel.
never meeting,
ceasing to cross.

but we never were.
because despite that when we collided,
it really was like a car crash,

nothing is worse than staring at you through that glass,
and knowing that things won't ever be the same.

I write you..

a letter a day.

I feel like The Notebook.

but persistance wins in the end, right?

We live in a material world,

but I am not a material girl.

I feel so selfless.
All I've been doing all week is stuff for everyone else, and I don't know how I feel about this.

Can I be selfish for like one second?

I got the call last night.

Today is the day I get to see you.
I'm so.
anxious.
nervous.
upset.
and what makes it worse.
angry.
i'm mad at you.
you changed everything.
our lives aren't going to be the same after this.

but God, i miss you.

things i want to accomplish

just a list of some junk i'd like to do over break.

I have about 5.5 weeks.

I'd like to:

-go through everything in the attic. this means:
--box up everything i don't want
--clean everything out
--get rid of old junk

-clean my dorm room
--this has to be done by this week since that's only how long i can stay

-take care of finances
--straighten out issues with the bank
--figure out how much i owe my mom

-look for a job
--get a new job. mine sucks!

-clean out my car
--'nuff said

-christmas shopping
--ugh.. so stressful.

-work
--get some extra shifts

-go the gym/exercise
--at least 3 times a week (if not more!)

-read a few books
--i'd like to not be completely useless.

I don't know..

what scares me more.

The idea of talking to you through the glass or
the idea that maybe you don't even want me to visit.


i miss you more than i thought.

me.

I bite my nails daily and hardly paint them.
Chopsticks make Chinese food taste better.
I chew gum obsessively and blow bubbles at the most inappropriate times.
In restaurants I spin on the stools like it's a race.
Sonic Cream Slushes and hot Apple Cider are comforting.
I will choose a happy meal over Olive Garden any day.
Semi-colons are my favorite punctuation mark; yet I have no idea of the proper way to use them.
My priorities are always mixed up, but I'm usually happy with my choices.
I'm a hooker... on my college's rugby team, but I don't have disrespect for actual hookers.
I eat Spaghettios, cold, straight from the can.
I'm an English major; ask me anything about English, and I probably do not know.
Condoms are only useful as dorm room decor; they make great balloons!
Procrastination isn't an art, which is why I'm so good at it.
I drive an orange car; which the unique color has gotten me numerous parking tickets.I don't have a lot of passion for anything in particular, but God, I love life.
I'd like to believe I'm meant for so much more.

How can you make me so proud
and less than 24 hours later,
you disappoint the shit out of me?

Please don't let me down
like everyone else.

i
wish
you
were
here.

what going out on this floor?

I love this record, baby, but I can't see straight anymore.

sometimes I think I'm happier when I'm drunk.
I would like to live drunk.
Just be drunk through everything.
The emotions disappear, well not really, but enough alcohol makes me not care.

drunk.drunk.drunk.

stickynote

when your entire wall is filled with post-its
and each has one thing you need to accomplish ASAP,
there's a big fucking problem.

but
today
i
decided
i
didn't
want
to give up.

and
you
helped.

thank you.

We make all those promises that we cannot keep,
and we set ourselves up to fail.

i'm an idiot.

I believe that last night/this morning is living proof that I've always been here for you. always.

but maybe i'm just getting sick of it.
sometimes, i wish we weren't friends.
i want to tell you this, but idk, maybe
i'd rather waste my time with you.

you're taking me for granted.

'Cause I know how it hurts,
when you lose the one you wanted
'cause he's taken you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed.

If I were a boy,
I would turn off my phone.
Tell everyone it's broken,
so they'd think that I was sleepin' alone.
I'd put myself first,
and make the rules as I go,
'cause I know that she'd be faithful,
waitin' for me to come home..

ugh.

it's like..throwing a hotdog down a hallway.. NOT!

I love, love, love

being reprimanded by my professor like I'm an eight year-old.

quickie.

I wanted to say I think it's fantastic that Google's icon celebrates Paddington Bear's 50th birthday rather than Columbus Day. LOL.

I truly believe..

I am only in college to play rugby.
I really don't like school.

I no longer enjoy literature or English in general.

I've been thinking about how much I've changed.

I loved Astronomy, History, everything.
but I loved it all in small doses.

Anything I've actually shown a subsequent amount of passion for I've completely sucked at.

I think I want to cook.
I've been thinking for awhile.
or maybe I'm afraid to do anything else.

i don't care.
about anything.

the best thing about tonight..

is that we're not fighting.

I am yours to keep..

This is not what I intended;
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart.
You always thought that I was stronger.
I may of failed, but I have loved you from the start..

School has started.
I am short a credit to be a sophomore.
which means I have to park in the fricken gold lot,
and be considered a freshman for a semester.=(

I wonder.
How am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built
when you were here.

oh, i wish you could see the potential.

the potential of you and me.

i wish you could see what you're worth.
but i fear if you realize how great you are,
you wouldn't come back to me.

I didn't think..

I was going to give it up to you.
I don't regret it, despite the circumstances.

All that goes through my mind is that maybe you regret it.
And I hope you don't, and I don't know why I care.
or maybe I do know, and that's the scariest part.

I'm tired of you not caring how I feel.

"Let's just drop it".

This is a life.
my life.
your life.

dealwithit.

puke.
puke.
puke.


yay.

postcard.

postsecret is my life.

postsecret.

i live my life through postsecret.

parental pda is definitely gross.

perks.

and in that moment, i swear we were infinite.

and i wonder...

and i wonder, are you thinking of me?
'cause i'm thinking of you.

I am just..

having a hard time dealing with life,
and my mom decides it's the right time to
scream at me for wearing her sneakers.

fuckkkitttt.

i'll keep you my dirty little secret.

I go around a time or two.
Just to waste my time with you.

oh disney.

you're the voice i hear inside my head..
the reason that I'm singing.

nobody puts baby in a corner..

Thinking isn't always the best.
I take myself back to the past, I think of the future.
I'm scared of a lot.


...
I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw,
I'm scared of what I did, of who I am,
and most of all, I'm scared of
walking out of this room and
never feeling the rest of my whole life
the way I feel when I'm with you..

no no, po po.

don't trust the police, no justice no peace.
they got me face down in the middle of the street.

cops suck sometimes.

Can I just say..

I hate when my stepdad walks around in his underwear.
It's weird and annoying.

and since my mom reads my blog, maybe she'll get the hint and tell him to put some damn pants on.

please and thank you.
yelling at him isn't enough. goshhhhhh.

buy you a drank..

I love when the whole world is drunk around me.
You never want to be sober in a crowd full of drunk people.
well, i don't anyways.

Ah, boo for responsibility.

gone fishin'

I went fishing yesterday and I caught me a bass.. with powerbait. I don't know how the heck that worked, but whatevs.

I just wanted to share that!

this surely is a dream..

I smell sex and candy.
here.

I chew gum...

all of the time.

It doesn't matter where I'm at or what I'm doing.
I guess it's not particularly flattering
to be blowing bubbles when someone is trying to have a moment.
I'm sorry; I just love gum. :)

deja vu..

Here it goes again.

I know you love her.
I get it, but the thing is.
You can't tell me you felt nothing,
that it was nothing, and that I was nothing.

I know you feel it now, and you won't admit it.
but the silence is reassurance enough.

You bring me down, you raise me up.
You make my head spin so much.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

Creeps in this petty place from day to day.
To the last syllable of recorded time,
and all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death.
Out, out brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow.
A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more. It is a tale, told by an idiot
full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
-Macbeth.

:(

In this short time we've crossed the line.
I don't know where this is going,
but I sure as hell don't want it to stop.

I like mac and cheese almost as much as I like to blog.

I think perhaps I will be posting some stuff with actual substance. maybe.

love.

might as well give me a kiss
if we keep touching like this
i know you're scared, baby
they don't know what we doing.

i love teen pop songs.

you smile a lot, it makes me wonder
what you're thinking of
'cause baby you're always on my mind.

i love poetry.

but we loved with a love that was more than love.

What makes a poem that good?
Sometimes I wonder if it's the beautiful words that fit so perfectly together.
Other times I think maybe it's the thoughts and meaning that the writer conveys.

In all honesty, it's the feelings it brings inside of me when I relate it to my life that makes me cry, gives me chills, feel heartache, and makes my head spin...

Insomnia.

I can never sleep when I have to work the next morning because I'm always afraid my alarm clock won't go off.
So, I try to wake myself up every so often just in case.

It's 1:10 right now, and I have work at 9:30, so cross your fingers I get some sleep AND wake up.

ugh, this paranoia is rediculous. lol.

how about a good ruck? no?

okay, so..
I play rugby.
I got hurt.
I was bleeding.
I got stitches.

anyways, I went and saw the stupid boy, who said.
"Is that blood? You look like shit?"

This was followed by,
"You are gonna change first, right?"

Well, he definitely blew his chance there.
Boys are so stupid sometimes.
If you want to get in someone's pants, you don't tell them they look like shit.

What the hell...

...is up with guys and threesomes?

Goshhhhh.

money.

I really hate waiting around for people, especially when they are running so late, I miss a whole day of work for nothing.
Their company is not worth that much.

bitches.

the future freaks me out

I just have a lot of thoughts.
How can two people know that they are meant for each other?
What the hell are the chances that the one person you fall for you returns the same feelings?

I'm nineteen years old, and this is the time when society harps on going to college and choosing what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I can't even decide what breakfast cereal I want in the morning.
Furthermore, a great deal of my friends have found "the one". Many have already had children and/or are married.

I feel like because I'm nineteen, I'm supposed to be having fun, and just going out. I definitely haven't met that guy yet, but I'm wondering if I don't even have a clue by now, will I ever?

It is a scary feeling.

I like to repeat things for emphasis.

I have really dumbed myself down for this boy.

singing!

I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore.

I have insight; I'm just not capable of somehow divulging my feelings in a non-jumbled way at 3am.

On a different note, I feel I have dumbed myself down for a boy.

it's just funny..

that people post things online and feel like they have a right to privacy.
I put every thought I have out there, yet, it is still kind of funny when my mom mentions she read my blog.
I'm not gonna lie, I almost second guessed myself and thought maybe I shouldn't write everything.

but, of course I threw that out the window.
My blogs are for everyone; I hope I never disappoint her though.

So if you're out there, hi!

impulse.

"Life is all about change.
If it were static, think about how boring it would be.
You can't be afraid of it,
and you can't worry that you'll mess things up.
You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them."

rewind to last summer.

I absolutely hate how one mistake, one wrong choice, one let down ruins any trust for the future, makes a person stop believing, in anything.

Take last summer for instance.
I met a boy, and it felt like summer should last forever.
My co-workers became my best friends. Everything seemed perfect.

Summer ended, of course, but it somehow trickled into fall.
When the leaves became brown, crunchy, dead, so did any hope for a perfect life between summers.

Some say i shouldn't hang on to that memory.
But when did summer end and become just that?
Because every day i tried to relive it.
That time that caused us to find the better in people,
and made us love so much, we'd do just about anything to hold on.
So, why did everyone else let go?

I asked myself that for a long time.
Maybe they found something better.
Well, my friend, it's summer again.

I feel like I've found someone better, only now, I feel like it's all fake.
I lack the trust; I'm absolutely pessimistic, attempting to be apathetic about everything that is happening.
I can't let myself be broken again, but a part of me wants to take the chance.

I wish I felt infinite..

It wasn't just the people, nor was it the moment,
it was all of us in that specific moment.
it was a time when we lost our values, and let things fly.
and let me tell you, life that summer was perfect.

you didn't make my heart stop, boy.
you kept it going, and i felt something.
and it was big. so big that I still feel it.
and in all honesty, it scares me.

hmm..

I haven't posted in awhile.
This blog is slowly dying, but it's here truly for my sanity.

Did I mention my mom reads all of my blogs?
It's kind of awkward when shit comes up at the dinner table; not like we actually even sit at the dinner table, but you get the point.

In the meantime, my foot is itchy and I need to go shower.
So yeah, give me something to talk about or at least get interested in.

I like..

to date.
nothing serious,
but usually I fall most for the people who I'm not dating.

How does this work?

I know nothing about you,

but I want to be everything to you. haha.

No one.

is bidding on my books.

damn.

Ebay

I have two school books on Ebay, and it took me forever to post them.
Whatever, as long as I can sell them away forever.

Meanwhile, this inspires me to sell all of my other crap, as long as I don't get tired of shipping the junk. Haha. :)

i blog for my comfort.

and today, my hand hurts, so this is all. :(

soon soon soon

i'll go to the gym gym gym.
fo sho, fo sho.
HAHA.

superbad moment.

i have..

big dreams.
huge dreams.

but my fear of change,
holds me back so much.

and it kills me.

I just thought I'd share...

I got my hair cut,
not on Fleet Street.

but I did see that movie.
slightly disappointed, but overall, satisfied I guess. haha.

heh..

Sometimes, I'm totally an attention whore.

whoops.

Summer Reading List

Here we go.. I have about 100 days.

I'd like to take a huge chunk out of this list by then...

Impulse by Ellen Hopkins
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
The Catcher in the Rye- J.D. Salinger
The Chocolate War- Robert Cormier
Catch-22- Joseph Heller
Gulliver's Travels- Jonathan Swift

Poetry:
The Wasteland- T.S. Eliot
Gerard Manley Hopkins

That's enough for now.
I wasted the whole day. Haha.

Goals for Summer..

I decided to create a list of goals because then maybe I'll get stuff done...

Okay:

Goals for school:

1. Purchase books for class (the ones I know I need anyways).
2. Buy stuff for dorms.
3. Consider transferring. (Haha, look at other schools and majors).
4. Find a job possibly relating to a career I'm interested in.
5. Apply for at least 10 scholarships.

Other goals:
1. Read lots. I have a list in mind, which I'll update later.
2. Balance my money.
3. Get a schedule together.
4. Go to the gym.
5. Find another job.

Ah, there's more, I'm sure, but I feel quite lazy.

Impulse

I just purchased a new book.

It's Impulse by Ellen Hopkins.
I'll probably be pretty engrossed in it, so I apologize in advance.

"her eggo is prego?"

P.S. One of my best friends started dating my roommate from last semester and she is most definitely now preggers.

Hasn't anyone heard of the morning after pill?

club 7, not seals.

I like to listen to music a lot.
I mean, I'm not one of those scene kids who listens to it "23.5 hours/7 days a week, but I listen to it an awful lot.

I listen to the radio/cd's in my car.
Yesterday, on my way to work, it was an 80's CD. Afterall, there's nothing like "Eye of the Tiger" playing at 5:30 AM to wake you up.
I listen to the radio at work as well.
It's basically culture shock to walk to the dining room and hear country and then go back to the kitchen and listen to the complete opposite.

I even listen while I blog.
What is playing now, you ask?
Why, it's "Cath...".
I'm excited because it's off of DCFC's release Narrow Stairs.
I am picking my copy up tomorrow, and you should too.

Anyways, I wanted to talk about this obsession I had for quite a few years with one particular "band". Haha.
It really, truly was an obsession.
S Club 7 was a band produced by Simon Fuller, who FYI managed the Spice Girls and created American Idol. I'm fully serious, but do not confuse him with Simon Cowell. They are completely different.
Moving on.. this obsession went so far.
I learned all of their pop songs, dance routines, and watched their television series religiously. I taped quite a few as well.
I had pen pals in England with this obsession too (S Club 7 was British).
I had all of their CD's and it was all I cared about.
I even bought a special DVD player to play the PAL system DVD'S.
When they split up, I bawled and bawled. It was horrible.

Why am I telling you this? Because out of all the times I felt ridiculous, this was one time in my life where I was truly pathetic. Haha.

Curious as to who they are, here's just one of many of their songs.
This happens to be one of my favorites although this one was from when Paul (one of the members) left the group.
Oh, and yes, I know the dance. =)


oh and this one I like as well, with all seven members.. but I just like the dance from 2:25-3:30. lol.


but I guess they are best known in the U.S. for this one.
and okay, from how this sounds, I guess I still like them a smidge.
Never Had a Dream Come True:



okay, i'm done.
I don't know why, but I really wanted to share this. :)

Can I just say..

I absolutely love the Lifehouse song from the All-State commercial.
sad, sad commercial. but nonetheless, splendid song.

check it out.

=(

i have.

freshmanitis.

yes, it's real.

dying.

My roommate just spent an hour alone on doing her hair.
How do people find the time?

I took four caffeine pills in the past 10 hours just to stay awake all night because I have so much school work.

It's almost done. Just five more exams.

goodbye

i'm gonna miss school.
because i like everyone. =(

push-ups

Ever since I've lost that job I've been even more distracted, disorganized, unfocused.
anddd..

homesick.

very homesick.

I don't know what it is. I kind of just want to sleep and cry and eat push-up pops.
I ate six over the past two days.
and left the orange ones at home.
Haha.

ruck me, maul me..

I had rugby today... last game of the season.

We beat F&M and if you could understand why we hate them, you'd know how great of a win this is! =)

I feel good today.

Well, actually, honestly...
I feel like a prostitute who had a good night: sore and dirty.

fishy.

I could potentially fail out of school.

I want to get out of here as soon as I can,
but honestly, I'm going to miss a lot of people.

I think, there's always a way to fix things.
I'll work through it if I fail a semester.

Today, I feel like a fish in a frozen pond: untouchable.. despite the dangers beneath the ice.

slacking.

My problem is this: I don't care how much participation points I'm losing every day for not showing up to class because I truly love sleeping in that much.

Also, I don't even care anymore about my grades.
You know why?
Because we have like, oh I don't know, two weeks left.

This procrastination/slacking off thing needs to disappear.
Anybody else feeling it?

Today I feel like dandelion seeds in the wind, yet so unfree and tied down to the work I've put off, it hurts.

procrastination.

dictionary.com
procrastinate: to put off till another day or time; defer; delay.


urbandictionary.com

procrastination: A similar experience to masturbation, it feels good while you're doing it, but it sucks afterwards when you realize that you just fucked yourself.

also:
procrastination: I'll put up a definition later.

I'll put up an example later.

and:
procrastination: What you're probably doing right now


..so, I have a lot of work to do.

crashing.

Have you ever wanted things to be so perfect that you'd do anything to change them?
that you'd obsess over things, change your life around for them?

This strive for perfection can really screw a person up.
What happens when the things you were so sure of become memories of the past?

Dreams you once sought to have come true now no longer matter?

your world crashes down.
and how do you cure it?
how do you fix it?

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you're falling?
and when you hit the bottom of wherever, you jolt yourself awake with your dream-landing.
What happens when you keep falling, keep falling, and you hit the bottom, only, you're not dreaming?

Only the right state of mind will save you, and I never had that.

melting..

"I feel like ice cream on an August sidewalk"
-Impulse

I really, truly do.

failure.

I feel like a failure.
It's disgusting, really.

So it's..

getting to be one in the morning.
I have another blog on here for a class in college,
but I wanted a blog where I could just write, about anything.

I have a pile of books on my bed,
all the homework I have to do,
that I should have done,
weeks ago.

As the stack gets higher, I feel lower.
and I just need a place to vent.

I don't care if you judge me,
because you don't know me,
but I guess soon enough you will.